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Ramble Ramble Ramble
Mar. 24th, 2003 03:48 pmSomething I missed yesterday: My connection and my computer are being wonky lately, so if I disappear from AIM or IRC without notice, please don't take offence. It's really not that I'm storming off in a huff, or being rude.
So I've been thinking. (Yes, I'll try not to hurt myself.)
About who we are and how we represent ourselves, specifically. Personality and persona. That type of stuff. Who we are IRL as opposed to OL.
Online, there are any numbers of factors that detract from how we present ourselves. There are no vocal cues or body language. It's so much easier to be misunderstood without a tone of voice, or being able to look someone in the eye and know that they really *get* what you're saying. With text communication you tend to lose a lot of the emotion, and even sometimes the connection.
On the other hand, seeing what you've got written down can often make you more aware of exactly what it is you're saying. And you have to be, because it's more permanent, and it's real easy for it to come back and bite you in the ass.
I'm not going to talk about anyone else, because I've never met an OL person. I can't speak for anyone else -- I'd feel rather like an arrogant prick if I presumed to do so.
I have no idea how other see me. I mean, I have a general idea, but more so IRL, where I can actually see people's reactions. I don't know how well I translate into text, because I don't really think that text can hold any of us.
Two paragraphs up, there's an example of a difference. I swear more IRL, because it doesn't affect me at all there, but it somehow seems more offensive if you type it up. I'm loud, and I'm stubborn, and there are a lot of things I feel very strongly about. I don't shut up. Like, ever. I go on, and on, and on, in a bright (read: loud) and cheerful (read: really, really fast) manner.
It's that much easier to clamp down on a tangent when I have to type it up. (Not a tangent like this particular one, but my opinions on this war, or free speech, or the death penalty. On the sheer scope of perspective and on people who hate and on the refusal to take a step beyond our own preconceptions, which the best among us have.)
Really, I'm much more -- retiring, almost -- online. I'm much more easily intimidated, and I think it may have something to do with the fact that I'm used to knowing, or at least being familiar with, just about everyone. I'm used to knowing everyone, and here I am, in a medium where I most certainly do not. I'm certainly not used to being told that this person over there is Established and Very Important, so I had better watch my step, being New and therefore Unimportant.
I get frustrated with what I see as my own anonymity online -- I really don't think that that many people know who I am, though statistically it's true for even the largest Name -- and this may just be because I am used to being known. Without tooting my own horn, I'm one of the most visible figures in our RL community. In fact, this holds true for just about everything I do, everywhere I go in RL. I don't mean to sound full of myself but -- I'm just visible. I'm involved. I talk to people. People know me, even in the larger communities that branch off, in which I *don't* know absolutely every single person.
Melancholy. Looking at my LJ, I come across as much more melancholy than I think I am. I'm happy most all of the time, and I make a point of actively liking most everyone I come across. We *all* have our faults, and I think that sometimes, people forget to look beyond them.
I'm happy most all the time, but I do have a bit of a short fuse. I'll get mad, but I can't stay mad for more than a few hours. I've tried it, once or twice -- I can't do it. I can't hold on to that anger. I can be hurt and happy at the same time, because I have a smile on my face while I slam myself; but just because I'm still hurt doesn't mean that I'm still mad at the person who hurt me. I can stay hurt, but I can't stay angry.
And, yeah, I'm working on this self-esteem thing. It's just a real easy trap to fall back into. Something goes wrong, or even just isn't perfect, so I suck. In my own defence, I realize that's a dumb thing to think. So I'm working on it.
I'm not just a stupid kid, because I'm not stupid, and I'm not really not a kid any more, no matter how much I may see myself as such. So there go two things. I've earned any coordination that I have, because it doesn't come naturally to me. I walk into things, and I hit my head and bruise my knees, but I'm still an athlete. I'm a thinker and a musician, and I like to write -- whether or not writing fic makes me a writer seems to me rather immaterial. I just like to do it.
I have little sense of propriety, and most traditions seem to me to be an excuse not to try something new. I'm not big on pomp and ceremony, and give me jeans and sneakers over a skirt and heels any day.
Text can't hold any of us, not really. So, there's a bit more to me than the girl who updates her LJ either too much or almost not at all. Who's quiet in chat because she gets to doing four or five things at once, and has the attention span of a cricket. Who finds fandom politics silly, useless things, but is still really rather intimidated of people she sees as Names.
Who talks to too much, when she gets going.
Eh -- That last one is something that holds true for me everywhere ::G::
So I've been thinking. (Yes, I'll try not to hurt myself.)
About who we are and how we represent ourselves, specifically. Personality and persona. That type of stuff. Who we are IRL as opposed to OL.
Online, there are any numbers of factors that detract from how we present ourselves. There are no vocal cues or body language. It's so much easier to be misunderstood without a tone of voice, or being able to look someone in the eye and know that they really *get* what you're saying. With text communication you tend to lose a lot of the emotion, and even sometimes the connection.
On the other hand, seeing what you've got written down can often make you more aware of exactly what it is you're saying. And you have to be, because it's more permanent, and it's real easy for it to come back and bite you in the ass.
I'm not going to talk about anyone else, because I've never met an OL person. I can't speak for anyone else -- I'd feel rather like an arrogant prick if I presumed to do so.
I have no idea how other see me. I mean, I have a general idea, but more so IRL, where I can actually see people's reactions. I don't know how well I translate into text, because I don't really think that text can hold any of us.
Two paragraphs up, there's an example of a difference. I swear more IRL, because it doesn't affect me at all there, but it somehow seems more offensive if you type it up. I'm loud, and I'm stubborn, and there are a lot of things I feel very strongly about. I don't shut up. Like, ever. I go on, and on, and on, in a bright (read: loud) and cheerful (read: really, really fast) manner.
It's that much easier to clamp down on a tangent when I have to type it up. (Not a tangent like this particular one, but my opinions on this war, or free speech, or the death penalty. On the sheer scope of perspective and on people who hate and on the refusal to take a step beyond our own preconceptions, which the best among us have.)
Really, I'm much more -- retiring, almost -- online. I'm much more easily intimidated, and I think it may have something to do with the fact that I'm used to knowing, or at least being familiar with, just about everyone. I'm used to knowing everyone, and here I am, in a medium where I most certainly do not. I'm certainly not used to being told that this person over there is Established and Very Important, so I had better watch my step, being New and therefore Unimportant.
I get frustrated with what I see as my own anonymity online -- I really don't think that that many people know who I am, though statistically it's true for even the largest Name -- and this may just be because I am used to being known. Without tooting my own horn, I'm one of the most visible figures in our RL community. In fact, this holds true for just about everything I do, everywhere I go in RL. I don't mean to sound full of myself but -- I'm just visible. I'm involved. I talk to people. People know me, even in the larger communities that branch off, in which I *don't* know absolutely every single person.
Melancholy. Looking at my LJ, I come across as much more melancholy than I think I am. I'm happy most all of the time, and I make a point of actively liking most everyone I come across. We *all* have our faults, and I think that sometimes, people forget to look beyond them.
I'm happy most all the time, but I do have a bit of a short fuse. I'll get mad, but I can't stay mad for more than a few hours. I've tried it, once or twice -- I can't do it. I can't hold on to that anger. I can be hurt and happy at the same time, because I have a smile on my face while I slam myself; but just because I'm still hurt doesn't mean that I'm still mad at the person who hurt me. I can stay hurt, but I can't stay angry.
And, yeah, I'm working on this self-esteem thing. It's just a real easy trap to fall back into. Something goes wrong, or even just isn't perfect, so I suck. In my own defence, I realize that's a dumb thing to think. So I'm working on it.
I'm not just a stupid kid, because I'm not stupid, and I'm not really not a kid any more, no matter how much I may see myself as such. So there go two things. I've earned any coordination that I have, because it doesn't come naturally to me. I walk into things, and I hit my head and bruise my knees, but I'm still an athlete. I'm a thinker and a musician, and I like to write -- whether or not writing fic makes me a writer seems to me rather immaterial. I just like to do it.
I have little sense of propriety, and most traditions seem to me to be an excuse not to try something new. I'm not big on pomp and ceremony, and give me jeans and sneakers over a skirt and heels any day.
Text can't hold any of us, not really. So, there's a bit more to me than the girl who updates her LJ either too much or almost not at all. Who's quiet in chat because she gets to doing four or five things at once, and has the attention span of a cricket. Who finds fandom politics silly, useless things, but is still really rather intimidated of people she sees as Names.
Who talks to too much, when she gets going.
Eh -- That last one is something that holds true for me everywhere ::G::
