(no subject)

[cherry]

Just because I should probably tidy this up -- Email. If you've got one of my hotmail ones, you're fine. If, on the other hand, you have a email.com one, or even as far back as graffiti.net, please update this. ::G:: I don't check them any more, other than occasionally, and they eat emails. And I know at least one of you does have an old one, because I've gotten some of those viruses with a returns pulled from an address book full of other ficcers.

I dislike pumping gas. Have I mentioned this lately? Today, the wind was just about knocking me over, and rocks kept hitting me in the face. ::Rubs face::

I was working the other night.

Which may be a crappy way to start a story.

It was a dark and stormy night--

That's not right, either.

So there I was, after discovering, to my horror, that creepy-stalker-boy uses the work computer to look at porn (And I really don't care what a person does in their own home, but 1) Stalker-boy: so 2) EWW, Lesbian Bondage Porn at work). Mopping and sweeping the floor, windburned and rock-marked, working my way through the isles of junk food and fertilizer. It was dark outside, and the windows were shaking, and there were tumble weeds racing through the flickering light from the pumps.

And all I could do was look at my reflection in the shaking glass and think -- this can't be me.

There are so many people, so many of my friends, that -- That this is it. This is where they'll always be. This town, with its tight-knit infighting and its rampant alcoholism, where we count down the years between the fatal car crashes. Pumping gas and mopping floors for minimum wage. And if that's what they want, then I support them. I just want them to be happy.

But the thing is -- I watch it eat so many people who aren't really happy with it either, but love it all the same. You can love without being happy. Love can make you more miserable than anything if you cling to it when you shouldn't.

This can't be me. I can see how it could, and it scares me. There can't always be my father being unstable and my family being not-nice, stalkers and people I love dearly who think that being educated only makes you think you're better than every one else.

I'm just kind of numb lately. I'm out of it, and I don't quite function, and my brain doesn't make connections like it should. I'm tired, I'm worried, I think there's something wrong with me, I'm developing an increasing reliance on caffiene, and I don't like it when I'm not just all happy.

And all I can think is that this can't be me.

Comments

[http://users.livejournal.com/_bounce_/]

*looks at Cherry*

And all I can think is that this can't be me.

And you know what, lovely? It's not going to be you, either. You're going to get to Uni, you're going to get the job and the life you choose.

I've got faith in you. You're one of the smartest, strongest people I know and you're going to get where you want to, in life.

[cherryice.livejournal.com]

::Hugs:: Y'know, hon, that was exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you.